Brother’s Gf Is Prejudiced Against Me Becuase I’m Mentally Ill?
Question by Kate: Brother’s gf is prejudiced against me becuase I’m mentally ill?
I moved in with my brother because living with my parents was understandably driving me crazy. After a week his gf came to stay for 3 weeks before moving for grad school since her family had just sold her home and left. I understood that I would need to let them have their alone time but figured that spending the weekend my brother was gone together would be fine. The rest of the time I’d spend back home w/ my parents.
Despite knowing what a huge benefit living with my brother is for me she told my bro that she didn’t want me there because I’m on a medication (suboxone) which her mother did not do well on psychology and took for a different reason. I am taking it temporarily as an opiate replacement therapy (like methadone) till I can become more independent. She should know that anecdotal evidence (her mom’s response) is unnacceptable in judging a drug’s side effects, she’s an environmental engineer and not dumb.
I lived with her for the first week she was there and so she knows that I’m doing fine. Nevertheless she does not want me to be with her even for 2 nights. My bro said she didn’t want the responsibility should “anything happen” to me since she is tired of taking care of people because her mother is physically disabled. If anything did happen my parents are in town. I also suffer periodically from my bipolar (don’t sleep for nights sometimes etc..) and at this time it is in “remission” and am doing great on my meds.
She has totally rejected me (I feel so at least) and now I really don’t like her as I didn’t before (she’s always been cold). I worry for my brother, this is his first gf, they’ve been together for 2 years, and I think he’s pretty serious about her but not enough to ask her to marry since this would be the perfect time since they will be apart for 2 years at least. This incident really worries me but if they should engage I will accept whatever love his gf is able to give me as she clearly has issues. Should I explain to my brother how I feel about her and also point out the following things?
-she is clearly prejudiced against me because I have mental problems. she had a great opportunity to get to know her bf’s sister (family is very important in both sides here) but rejected it. it could also be because I’m an addict-but that is a mental illness. my brother is an awesome beautiful person, he is very accepting of others and has a big wide heart…
-she has no friends who are girls despite living in the same house all her life. “i give people stuff all the time but they just use me” is her reasoning. Strikes me as 1. materialistic 2. victim centered since she blames her problem on the world instead of looking within herself.
-i told her that when she leaves I will have to compensate by cooking more and stuff and she said, “oh no! don’t, because then he won’t miss me as much!”. she said something like this twice… I see it as her not having my bro’s best interests in mind and instead looking at just herself.
-my brother’s grandfather commented when he was 7 that “if only he finds himself a good wife, because good kids like that are prone to ending up with controlling women”. eek this is happening! as mentioned my bro IS a very good person. I deeply admire him.
-my bro told me not to tell her that he is looking for a job outside of the place where she will live. he was going to even have a first interview with them and didn’t want her to know because he didn’t want to upset her. she only encourages him to look for work where in places she will be. this strikes me as controlling and unhealthy that my bro can’t be completely honest? right?
-I made her family a curry dinner (took my a few hours) while they were moving to another state since they hadn’t had a home made meal. Point is even I have tried to “help” her family even though she’s not even my sister-in-law yet though she won’t help my brother’s family out by letting me spend 2 nights at his place
-I feel like she is controlling him by deciding whether or not I can live at HIS place. Instead of him telling her “my sister will spend the weekend I am gone” with you he lets her decide. He certainly wouldn’t stay with her if thought I was unstable.
– at the dinner table she said suboxone is a “dangerous drug”. later on my father said he thought it was rude that she repeated herself 3 times, and I overheard him call her a “heartless woman” to my mother
-my parents don’t like her
Should I tell my brother the above points and expalain how I feel? Or will that only cause resentment? I really care for him and don’t want him winding up with a “female dog” who has no regard for his family.
Best answer:
Answer by Rigby Taylor
Im sorry that you’re going through this. Your brothers girlfriend does seem really cold, and she is making your mental illness about her. Which isnt fair. On another note, your brother wil only get mad if you try and tell him not to be with her. You should tell him how she makes you feel when she treats you like that and maybe he will talk to her. But the one thing you shouldnt do is interfere with their relationship. Its his choice who he wants to be with and youre just going to have to live with that decision. Just try and avoid her if you really feel un-wanted or anything.
Answer by Mimi
You shouldn’t say it – it will only cause resentment. If she is that horrible he will probably figure it out on his own…The point is he might want to marry this woman one day and she is not going to want you to live with them. It is unfortunate that she doesn’t want to get to know you but it is not a crime. I wouldn’t want to be forced to spend the weekend with someone I don’t know that well either – especially since you have somewhere else you can go for 2 days and your brother is doing you a favor by letting you stay with him at all. Bipolar disorder can take many forms – some people can be quite violent when they go off their meds – and many randomly do decide they are fine and go off their meds…and maybe your brother has told her some of the things you have probably done as someone that is both an addict and bipolar and my guess is that is the reason that she doesn’t want to get to know you. I would guess there is nothing that you have done that she doesn’t know about from her intimacy with your brother.
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